I’m overthinking it. I’m trying to write about being emotionally and physically stuck and I just can’t do it. There’s too many words and too many story beginnings in my head, and nothing is coming together on paper. Well, on screen I guess. Fuck I wish I had some chocolate. Or cheese. None of which I can eat on this breastfeeding elimination diet. I’m digressing again into some useless mental tailspin instead of working on this. Baby T is sleeping on my chest, and I can almost hear the minutes ticking by until he wakes up again, and I will have gotten nothing done. Some days I feel hopeless. Can I even accomplish anything as a writer, blogger, entrepreneur? My critical voice says NO. My idealist voice says HELL YAS GURL.
This is my third attempt at some semblance of a post today. Nothing is coming together. I wish this baby would nap longer. I wish I could hire someone to watch him a few hours a week so I could work on my passion projects. Oh right, I gave that option up when I quit my job to stay at home. Ironically, staying at home is a 24/7 job—I’m always on call for T. Even when my husband watches him, I’m still on call. Boobs on demand these days.
I’m acutely aware I chose this life. I wouldn’t change it, don’t get me wrong, but some days it is hard. A lot of times it is hard. I want so badly to be my own boss and independent, but instead I just traded one boss for a much shorter, fatter, balding one, and handed over my independence on a shiny, milk-filled platter.
Every day is different. Today I am proud to have showered, gone to new mom’s group, had lunch with a friend, and write. An immense success. I remind myself that small steps are better than no steps. A little step forward is still forward momentum, even though some days T’s poop shoots faster than my ideas do. I think about my big business dreams, and all the steps it’s going to take to get there. It’s overwhelming. I have no idea how the hell these moms do it—they run a successful business venture and a successful household. At least that’s how it looks on the outside.
Some days I feel like quitting. Maybe it was stupid to think that I could start my own business with a newborn. I think about why I even started this blog. I often felt alone during pregnancy, and I wanted to make sure no pregnant woman or new mom ever feels that way. Motherhood can be hard. It can suck. I always hear how worth it it is, but no one told me how hard things can get.
I keep writing. If other women do it, I can, too. I need to remember that some days, just getting through the day keeping the baby fed and happy is a successful day. Other days can be for working, submitting posts, and blogging. I put too much pressure on myself, but it’s hard not to when other moms seem to always have their shit together. I feel inadequate, not good enough, failing. Other moms tell me they feel the same thing; at least I’m not alone. I keep it up. I keep being the mom my son needs me to be. Some days, the most important thing I can do is share my story. Someday, I hope it will help you, too.